How to: Survive a Vampire Attack

How to: survive a Vampire attack.

However unlikely it is that you find yourself in a predicament that calls for this sort of information and preperation, it's always useful in the event of such an occurance and as a 'good for a laugh' boredom buster.

Vampires, depending on your prefered movie/myth, are supernaturaly strong beings, belonging to the undead legions, that suck the life force from us mere mortals, be it sanguine, aural, sexual or emotional energy. They attack carefully, often in crowded clubs or dark, foreboding alleys.
If these things scare you, even a touch, and you worry of an accidental meeting with one, there are several things you should do. Keep in mind that different things work for different kinds of vampires, and again for different clans, so when all else fails, use the method that never does.
Also, vampires are already dead, so you can't kill them persay, but destruction of a thirsty mass is always an enjoyable event.

1. Prepare your home.
First things first, things that will bring about the doom of any life force sucking evil dead guy.

A. The thing to remember is that vampire's are not invincible, they can be killed. Stock up on wood, either ash or aspen, and fashion it into stakes. Ash and aspen are typically holy trees, thought to protect religious places of importance, so naturally they will be useful. However, using stakes requires precision and aim, so it's best to use a staller before hand if you don't have a good eye. These stakes can be strengthened by carving religious symbols into the pointy end, catholic symbols are the best for this. This method works best on your average nightwalking psychic or energy vampires, not so much on the bloodsucking kind, but always remeber, AIM FOR THE HEART.

B. If you're a science and technology buff, this one might come in handy not only for demolishing suckers, but as a boredom buster. Using god only knows what, figure out a way to harness sunlight, or something fairl similar. Bullets would be the best option, but unless you know your way around a gun and have a stockpile of ammunition on hand, this may be problematic. This method is also problematic if you encounter daywalkers, though they are generally harmless in sunlight provided they aren't more then a couple of thousands of years old. Biblically old vampires will be immune to almost everything except the below.

C. Sharp knives, axes, scythes and swords are always handy to have around the home in the event that one of the affore mentioned methods doesn't work. The only sure way to destroy a vampire is to behead it, so keep your weapons handy, sharp and practice with them so you know how the weight of them sits in your hand. Practicing with more then one type of weapon at a time is also good, as you never know what you'll be able to grab.

Once you've got these down, you'll need to make sure you've got a handy staller. These are best to keep on your person, but extras strewn around the place don't hurt.

D. The age old trick of domestic housewives and pizza joints the world over, garlic is a sure way to slow down and even deter a hungry vamp. It's pungent smell and sharp flavour are particularly offputting for this type of undead soldier and will work for all types of vampire.

E. Not only is holy water a powerful deterant for demonic spirits, but it burns vamps like a motherfucker. Garunteed to slow the bitches down, just chuck a crucifix or roasary beads in a body of water and VOILA.

F. Some people actually believe that silver is only poisonous to werwolves, silly them. Silver is considered the purest of metals, therefore, logically, it will harm any form of demonic beast. Darts, bullets, spears, throwing knives, anything pointy and throwable is helpful here. Silver won't vanquish a vamp in small doses, but enough of it will generally make mince meat of your average sanguine or energy nightwalker.

G. Crucifixes are plenty wonderful for not only slowing down any night time nasties, but they also help your neighbours think you aren't clockwork orange material. NOTE: don't confuse crucifixes with crosses, many people die because of this simple mistake. A crucifix has an efigy of christ on it, and remember dorks, hold it right way up, the long bit at the bottom or all you'll do is advertise that you're a real tasty kind of jerky.

H. If you can get a hold of it, dead mans blood is dead, excuse the pun, useful. It's pure poison for vamps of any age or kindred and a spray will make them sick and weak, though injecting it works best. It will kill a vamp, but not quickly, handy if you need to weaken one for torture or information purposes.

2. Learn about the different types of Vampires.

A. Psychic vampires feed off of your aural energy and your emotions, so if your feeling particularly blue around certain people, splash them with a little holy water just to be certain. Psychic vampires are hard to pin down as they tend to be loners, but they need physical contact to get a hook in so they can drain you, so be wary. Generally speaking, psychic vampires are loners with a penchant for travel, often found in groups of gypsy's, circus folks, any job with a passport requirement really. Though finding psychic vampires is rare, they are nightwalkers and all of the mentioned methods for destruction are garunteed to work.

B. Energy vampires are a little like psychic vampires, but they feed off physical energy, so if your new bed, gym or jogging partner has you feeling more worn out then usual, chances are they are feeding on the sly. These puppies usually stalk clubs and raves, as the energy levels are high, and usually so are the customers. They hunt in pairs or teams of up to four, so be wary.

C. Sanguine vampires are harder to classify, simply because they are the most common and the most varied species of undead. They feed off blood and have these lovely fanged canines which helps identify them.
i. Your typical gruesome looking vampire, looks like it belongs on the set of Lost Boys, Buffy, Angel or Supernatural. They are fast, strong and often thirsty, but not very smart. Staking works best on these guys.
ii. Your average, human looking vampire, such as the cast of Blood Angel, Dracula 2000 and Bordello of Blood. These creatures ARE smart, sunlight is not nice to them, although won't kill them.
iii. Your average, noticibly non human vamp is beautiful, seductive, wily and very cunning. Such vampires as the cast of Vampyros Lesbos, Queen of the Damned and The Hunger.
iv. Your average, beastial vampire, such as kindred from Underworld, Van Helsing and the Blade series, is smart, but not when accosted with the bloodlust. These are brutal killers and the only sure way to kill them is by lopping off their heads.
v. The human vampire is one with no evolution, but an insatiable bloodlust such as Salems Lot, Rabid and The Wisdom of Crocodiles. They feed on cuts, without the use of fangs as other kinds have. These kind are slow, easier to kill with any number of ways.

To understand the species a little more, here is a list of movies to watch.

3. Disposing of the bodies.

To dispose of the corpses of vanquished fangs, simply remove the head and the heart and burn to ash in seperate fires. Either bury the ash, still seperately, on holy ground, or scatter to a strong wind. Seperating the pieces and ash ensures that no regeneration can occur.