Oompaloompas

Nigel vs. Billy

B: Oompaloompas are such funny things. With orange skin and green hair… whoever first invented them should be shot.
N: You can’t invent an oompaloompa. They are a species unto them selves.
B: They are a what?
N: A species
B: No they are annoying little orange men who always sing *in sing song voice* Oompaloompa doompety doo and squeeze the blueberry juice out of little girls who chew too much gum.
N: why are you are so predictable. You are like a broken record you just keep going and going till someone says * yelling* STOP. I never should have listened to the darned producer when he said I was going to be starring with a real character. They always embellish things that are oh so fantastical.
B: Quit using big words its hard for me to follow.
N: Get a brain you moron then things wouldn’t be so difficult.
B: I don’t want to be smart cause then every one would ask me questions and I would be as nasty as you then people would hate me
N: well I never at least people want to talk me. Not like you when all you do is open your mouth and everyone laughs at you.
B: It’s because I am funny
*interruption from producer* oi get back on the subject you loons *holds card up which says oompaloompa*
N: Billy do you know the origin of the oompaloompa?
B: No Nigel why would I. I kill them any way.
N: Well that one thing we have in common. Well Oompaloompas come from Wales. They are about 5”tree and have curly hair. Their brother’s name is Jamie and oooops wrong oompaloompa.
* Note from Rottweiler * I take no responsibility for any offensive words that are said or printed hereafter. All words contained herein are not my fault and the blame rest solely on the actor’s poor judgemental skills * loud coughing in the back ground and mug is thrown from actors to Rottweiler*
B: remind me never to let a DOG hire me next time
N: I protest at the thought of a canine being responsible for the downgrading of my genius. Its horrible the thought of what he has brought me to.
B: why are you calling him a dog when you are nothing but a crazy twisted lunatic of a second personality?
N: I am not a second personality I am merely a second side to very intelligent person and who do you think you are talking all you are is an over bloated stomach
*once again interruption from the Rottweiler* ladies please get a grip and move ON OR ELSE I WILL SET THE MENTAL HEALTH BOARD LOOSE *gestures to cage in which the mental health board members are going insane and acting like monkeys *
B: Hey Nigel, do you know how to kill an oompaloompa
N: no I usually let you do it. How do you kill an oompaloompa?
B: Well you take a very long range riffle and an exploding bullet and you…
*Disclaimer: we advise that you aren’t allowed to watch this because it contains stupid acts of oompaloompa violence and has no actual effect on your life unless you are an oompaloompa slayer like buffet or such *
N: No no Hello G rating here …
B: Opps forgive me chaps I had no intention of offence * imitates Nigel’s voice to which Nigel responds by slapping Billy’s head*
N: How dare you *begins to lay into Billy with the leg of a broken stool*
B: Remember the kiddies Nige!! Remember the G rating!!
N: *After calming down* Right right. Now back to the topic at hand.
*Disclaimer: We apologise but the program must be cut short*
N: Just what do you think you are doing?
B: here let me explain something to you mister Bull dog Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, but naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
N: Was that necessary? I think not
B: Well how else are we supposed to get the message across to him?
N: If you have any brain waves, however doubtful that is, let me know
B: *light bulb pops up over his head* I got it * a grid iron player appears on screen and Billy furiously writes a message on a piece of plexiglass and throws it to the grid iron line backer, who subsequently tackled the bull dog who’s name is norm and knocks him out cold before throwing the plexiglass on the floor, shattering it, and yelling score!!!!*
N: You absolute nit wit, now what is that hideous piece of (insert appropriate profanity here) going to do to us?
B: No worries *he takes out a mobile phone, calls a vet and gets the bulldog named norm neutered*
N: you stupid sodomite of a cowards lame ass excuse for his brothers wife’s mothers cousins sisters baby boys nannies god child’s grandmothers great aunts sisters husbands fathers brothers mistresses son of a (also insert profanity here)
B: th-the-tha-that’s all folks!!! *close curtain*